Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i came on her dog
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
50% drunk capacity currently
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
