I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked