do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.