ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
