Got a toothbrush?
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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