you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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