I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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