i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
