I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
