I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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