She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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