i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
