Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
