Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
