Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
