I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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