he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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