anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
