Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
