I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
