You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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