just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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