oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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