my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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