I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm just crazy horny about you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
send nudes
from the living room?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
