The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
