I can text with my tongue
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
