I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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