I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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