I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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