I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
