Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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