Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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