So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
