I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
