I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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