she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
