Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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