I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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