Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
