Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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