There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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