home. puking in laundry basket.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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