I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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