Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
