she woke up with a sticky ear
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
