It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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