we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
