the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
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Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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