I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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