sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize