did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
