Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
