He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
